So yeah it's been a while since I've been here.  Just thought  I'd make an appearance let everyone know   that I'm not dead in fact I'm doing okay.

I'ts been kind of depressing the last few days because I'm moving from the ministry house to Rockford.  I'll be leaving all of my friends and uprooting again and going elsewhere.  I'll still come around Souled Out whenever I can but for the most part I"m copmletely relocating.

So pray for me guys.

Love ya.

In a few days I'm leaving again to go out to Baltimore with this dude I met at Cornerstone this past year.  It is going to be a blast already because we are driving the whole way out.  Our plan is to go to this place called the First Church of the Living Dead, I'm really excited about it.

This past weekend I was supposed to go to Souled Out but I went to two Halloween Parties instead with Jonathan.  That was fun, and I got to meet a lot of...interesting people, anyone seen the movie party monster, if you have enough said, if you haven't then it would be very difficult for me to explain because everything would get all jumbled in your head.

Work is getting crazy and it doesn't look like it's planning on slowing down anytime soon, because we are really pushing for the holiday season this year.  It really seems to stink that everything gets all commercialized during this season. 

Okay now I wish I had some deep insight to offer or some random thought of the day, but right now I have nothing I'm just kinda floating around.

Actually now that I think about it, I've been reading Isaiah 53.  I'm makeing it my goal to have the entire chapter memorized.  It is just something that I want, I want to have it memorized.  But as of right now I have nothing started, if I start reading it though I start getting the impression that I have it memorized when in fact I don't, anyone care to offer advice on that?

Well I'm going for now, its been real, seen ya'll around.

Wow the little weblog entry thing is all updated and stuff, wow I've really been out of the loop for a while.

Okay so what is new, I"m out of paper so I can't draw huge bummer.

Oh Souled Out has moved to a new location on Dempster, and I heard that Lee Bloch resigned, what is up with that?  I've been gone so much lately and all this stuff is changeing, it is really starting to freak me out a little.

Change of subject, if anyone is feeling gracious enough drop off your old magazines at the ministry house for me, I have decided I'm turning my entire room into a giant art piece, too much white, it's starting to get to me.  Can't draw or paint on them because Mike Lind would behead me, so the next best thing, tape and paper clippings, ha, ha, I have foiled you my enemy.

I went out for the past two Saturdays to see some really fun shows Derek had a show in Dixion, that was fun, saw this band called Brains, Brains, Brains.  They sounded very much like the Misfits.  This past Saturday I went to Berwyn and saw Spirit Child and Leper, so much fun.  Good dark music, awe it makes me smile.

Anyway I'm going to go for now feel free to give me a line should anyone choose.

I finally wsa able to peel myself away from work and the ministry house to come to the library and use internet.  It's been ages it seems, and wow my last post was pretty angry, but I guess Im over my spell I should say.

Work is really crazy I'm learining how to be certified in mixing drinks and stuff like that, but it's a lot easier said than done, and memorizing all of this junk is not easy either.  But at least I have a job, now I can start trying to get myself back on my feet.  I just wish Star Bucks paid more that's all.

So I've been following the news on the hurricane junk from the news papers.  My mother who lives in Texas is actually working with a lot of the victims.  My home church is also takeing people in and providing bus transportation and helping people get clothing, food and the like.  I'm really proud of my home church, maybe this is what will break through many peoples hearts.  Meanwhile I'm planning on trying to become a relief worker when ever I can figure out my work schedule and plan how I'm going to do that manage time for church and get some sleep.  But oh well.

Any way I'm going to go for now I'll write back soon.  I hope.

Okay I'm am writing to bring to everyone the good news that I have returned to the area.  It is good to be home again and be among friends.  I'm not entirely sure what is going to happen in the furture for right now.  But as for now things are fine and I'm staying with Mike Lind so for the moment I do have a place to stay.

Things are a little scarey though because I don't exactly know what is going to happen with me, and I hate being without a plan, but I am really at a complete hault so what can I do.  I am looking for a job and that is not going quite well.  I put an application in a Hot Topic in Woodfield, okay have your laugh.  Yeah I really don't like the store, but I think its a job it will hopefully pay at least something.  I'm planing on putting in app at Blockbuster but have not done that just yet.

Now for a spiritual update on my conditions, things have been a little odd.  I for the most part had been at a stand still and did not care to make any kind of progress.  Hello apathy my old friend.  I have for the most part been completly fed up with Gods people and was through with them completely.  I was tired of church, His people, and everything else to do with it.  I would pray and tell God I love Him, but I made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with His people.

So you know how when Gods people began to go astray He would send His voice through the prophets to the people.  That is kinda what happened to me.  Before I left Texas my grandmother calls me crying and telling me not to lose hold of God, that I need to hold to Him and get all that I can.  Okay now imagine me in my state of bitterness, yeah I just shrugged it off.  Then I come here and Steven Sandovall ( however you spell his name ) said some really interesting things.  Again I just kinda shrug it off.  I then call home to tell my mother that I'm still alive and that everything is okay.  She asks me what is wrong and I tell her you know what I just don't know I am not at ease, my soul is at unrest.  She then says maybe God is giving you some kind of test in perseverance, I mockingly laughed over the phone and said two years doesn't account for anything.  I put of with leaders crap for two years and got nothing out of it in Masters.  She then said so two years have been nothing for you.  I then said of course not it helped me to realize that I don't want to do anything with His people and I learned if I ever became a leader what I was not going to do.

By this time my mom is crying over the phone, she said look I understand that you angry and that you have been hurt, but you need to let it go.  She said it is consuming you and I can see it, and so can everyone one else.  She said I had a dark side and it was starting to show more and more with each moment, it was as if I had just given up and stopped fighting and allowed darkness to consume me.  Still in tears mom then said you can't stop.  Your accountable for everything you know don't you realize that, I said of course I realize that but I don't care, I'm tired, and I'm through.  She then said maybe that is why God is not answering you is because of your anger and bitterness.  I was like whatever mom, but I thanked her because I finally had a piece of truth from someone.

I hung up and thought for a moment and realized I was getting nowhere.  I prayed and began to read in Acts 8 and confessed my anger and bitterness.  And it was then that I understood as God began to speak to me " I have not heard your prayers because of your bitterness."  I asked Him to change my heart again, to come into my heart and possess me.  I opened my heart and I felt peace again for the first time in months, ages it seemed, I had forgotten that peace so much so that I wept .

I have made a choice to let go of my wrath and let things be.  I will  swallow my pride and be, so that God will be through me whatever He wishes.  I've missed so much over this course fo time that I scarcely know where to begin, I need to beging reading again so that I can catch up to where I need to be.

Well if you have sat through this you have sat through a lot, thank you very much.  And to anyone that I may have offended in the past please forgive me and my little pitty parties.  I love you all.